Firstly, there was one 19-year-old boy who stated that he wanted to become straight by the time he was 30. He said that he thought that ‘gay people are disgusting and weak.’ The fact is that you cannot change your sexuality. You have to be happy with the way you are. As Christians would say you need to be happy with the way God made you. If people cannot accept you then that’s their problem. This boy stated that he wanted to have a wife and life a traditional life with a white picket fence. The fact is that today you can have that with a member of the same-sex if you are gay. Of course things are difficult if you are out of the world but the fact is that at the end of the day you have to do what makes you happy. Living in denial will not make anyone happy.

Rant over. Check out the video on:

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In many cases, gay Sikhs find it hard to come out to their families and admit their sexuality to them. As a result they feel obligated to choose one of the following:

1. Lie to themselves and everyone else as a result they pretend that they are straight to everyone else.

2. Lie to others but not themselves. Therefore, they arrange a marriage of convenience or allow their parents to arrange their wedding.

3. Accept the truth. Try and admit it to others and attempt to be proud of one’s sexuality.

Over the last few years I have learned that I would not be happy with the first two options and so have attempted to embrace the third option. I have tried to hope for the best but prepare for the worst with respect to my parents and my sexuality.

I know a gay Sikh whose parents have arranged his marriage for next year. He feels that he does not have any choice but to follow his parents wishes. His parents have pressurised him. They told him that they would take him out of university and force him to get married if he did not respect their wishes. While I feel for him and his situation I think it is most important to remember that there are two victims here: him and his wife. They are both being forced into this marriage at a young age but his wife is the one being deceived.

My friend’s situation is by no means uncommon. The Forced Marriage Unit in the UK which is a part of the Foreign Office reported a sharp rise in the number of gay men being forced to marry to cover up the family’s feelings of shame.

Let me make it clear that forced marriage is illegal and there are sources of help if you know anyone in this situation and live in the UK contact:

The Forced Marriage Unit:

http://www.fco.gov.uk/en/travel-and-living-abroad/when-things-go-wrong/forced-marriage/

The Lesbian & Gay Foundation:

http://www.lgf.org.uk/increase-in-families-forcing-gay-men-into-marriage/

As a religious Sikh I feel that it is wrong to lie to oneself about one’s sexuality but more dangerous still is the possibility of hurting the innocent husband of wife.

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My sister recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, my first nephew (or niece for that matter) who is wailing as I write this. As a result, I began to think about the issue of gay adoption. Would I ever be able to have children of my own? The answer is probably yes. However, what would the so-called Sikh community leaders say? Despite the hope that Sikhs will become more liberal and accepting of gay community and adoption. However, the contradiction that exists within the mostly conservative Sikh community is that most accept the gay community but would not accept LGBT Sikhs nor would they accept the notion of a gay couple raising a child.

Some say that gay adoption is not in the children’s best interests to be raised by same-sex parents. I feel that every child has the right to be brought up in a loving family regardless of whether they have 2 same-sex parents, 2 opposite sex parents or a single parent. Looking at my nephew now I think about the children that I may raise in the years to come. My sister has the support of her family with the baby but I do not think that gay Sikhs who have been cast out by their families would have the same support.

The choropleth map above shows the countries in Europe in which gay adoption is legal. While I find it regrettable that only a handful of them allow for gay adoption, I sincerely hope that as time goes on people will realise that there are so many children in the world who have lost their parents and just want to be loved.

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One of the problems that  I faced as  gay teenager was the confusion with my sexuality. What made things worse was the fact that people would say that I was gay or that I acted in a gay way. At my school everything was gay: teachers were gay, homework was gay and so on. I knew that I shouldn’t have let it get to me but the fact was that it did. My bullies picked up on this and made a point of calling me gay whenever possible. I found it so offensive because at that time the very idea that people had realised that I was gay me very depressed. I did not want to be gay. I just wanted to be a normal kid. What I came to realise is that when you are the only indian, let alone sikh, at school you are always going to be different.

I have read some articles in the past that gay people have written about how the word ‘gay’ has become an insult. Some people write that as LGBT people we have to take possession of the word. In the 1970s that idea took shape. Gay people identified themselves as gay saying that ‘I’m gay’ means ‘I’m as Good As You.’ An important idea with respect to the LGBT rights movement. Personally I think that the use of the word gay as an insult caused me no end of grief. However, had I not been through those trials as a gay teenager, I would doubtless not be the person I am today.

After going to an LGBT youth group once I decided that I would not come out to my family until I had financial independence. This idea of mine went away the next week. I intended to go to pride and after shopping for clothes for my brother I thought that I should tell my brother about my sexuality. We were speaking about the fact that my parents have begun to look for his future bride. We were talking about the madness that involves. He voiced his exasperation at his situation. He said that our parents had become just a bit mad.

Thinking about this just made me realise that our situations were. I said that ‘things are different for you.’ This comment confused him. He asked to me to explain it. I told him that it didn’t matter. How could I tell my brother that I was gay!! He would tell everyone!! Finally, I just told him:

‘Things are different for you because you’re not gay.’

My brother looked shocked but his reaction was overwhelmingly positive: ‘Really.’ There was a pause, ‘cool.’

He later told me that he knew a great many gay people and I didn’t have to tell our parents until I was ready.

For many LGBT people telling their family members about their sexuality is a cause of concern. Sorry for stating the blatantly obvious. Many LGBT people feel that even if their family members are liberal and accepting of other gay people, they will look differently upon a gay family member. I hope that gay Sikhs know that they are not the only ones who feel this way.

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A few months after I came to terms with my sexuality I felt that I couldn’t live a lie with one of my good friends, J, any longer. We both went to the same school but t I worried that she would react badly to the news. To further complicate matters, while we were at school a mutual friend told me that J thought that I had a crush on her at school.

We met up in a park near where I live. Not soon after we made plans to meet I resolved myself to tell her the news about my sexuality. By the end of our time together that day I felt that I had lost the will to do it. Thank God she asked me what was wrong. My facial expressions betrayed my fear. I told her that I was gay. I was so scared. Her reaction was to say the following, ‘if you think that this means that you’re not still my friend then you’re wrong.’ She hugged me.

I think most closeted members of the LGBT community fear coming out to their friends due to a fear that it will mean the end of their friendships. In my case I told a friend who lived in a different city from me. My thinking was that if she did not accept me I would simply never speak to her again. I have continued to think the same way about my experiences coming out to friends. I came to learn that if my friends did not accept me for who I am then they were not my real friends to begin with.

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When did you know? Many people to whom I have come out have asked this question. There is no one answer. Although I was 18 before I finally accepted my sexuality I knew many years before. At the age of 13 I had my first real crush and I loved a guy. He was a handsome musician friend of mine. It took me some time to realise that I fancied him but once I did I condemned my actions as being wrong both as a sikh and as a male. As with many Indians, my family expect me to marry a woman later in life and therefore, throughout my teenage years I found my feelings incompatible with both my faith and culture. I prayed for God to take away what I saw as a curse. What I learnt at 18 was that there was no reason to be frightened. I know that questions of marriage will always come up but the fact is that I am comfortable enough to tell my parents about my sexuality some day. I wish that every LGBT sikh could say the same.

I feel that I should explain the situation. The gossip network at my school was remarkably effective. Everyone knew everything about everyone. The way I think of it, the young man in question, S. for the purposes of this article probably told a few people but then everyone found out.

Upon coming out to everyone on campus at this school he was immediately victimized. People felt that because he was gay gave them a free licence to spout their vitriol at him even people who knew less about him than I did. What I did know was that he was very kind and every time I made my opinions clear the abuse would turn to me as though because I was friendly with gays I might be ‘one of them.’ For example, while watching a school rugby match with a couple of friends, S. was sitting on a park bench near the touch-line. Chris, an older boy, was standing next to me. He was wearing black leather gloves and carrying a black golf umbrella. He repeatedly pretended to shoot S. with his umbrella cum shotgun. He wasn’t the brightest spark. He felt that since S. was a fag he deserved to be shot. I gave him a piece of my mind. I told Chris that he should not wish death upon anyone and that he should at least say something to his face. The friend next to me silently motioned to stop but I continued. He gave me the old slit the throat motion but I didn’t care. Chris told me to shut up and told me that he would punish me but I didn’t care. I knew that I had done the right thing. At the very least I managed to keep Chris’ homophobic mouth shut for a few hours.

What do my readers think? I know that ‘the readers’ are probably a few old cat-loving queens but still it would be nice to hear what you think. Do you want to read more about my experiences as a gay teenager?

Homosexuality is a taboo topic for Sikhs. As a gay sikh I feel that is time that me and others like me made our voices heard. I now know there is a word for gay in Hindi and that word is ‘gaandu’ which loosely translates to ‘queer’ or ‘faggot.’ The more socially acceptable word is ‘samlaingik’ meaning ‘same gender.’ I still do not know what the word is in Punjabi.

By writing this blog I hope to help the many gay Sikhs out there by demonstrating that we exist!! It is time for Sikhs to accept their sexualities and admit it both to themselves and others.